


The Dark I Know Well

by lohn_jaurens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, i have become jamilton trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohn_jaurens/pseuds/lohn_jaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex knew that what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn’t stop. There were multiple alarm bells going off in his mind, telling him that this was dangerous and he needed to stop, but they were being silenced one by one with each sting of the cool metal tearing through his skin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dark I Know Well

**Author's Note:**

> There is kinda graphic depictions of self harm in this fic, so please please be careful. Don't read if you are easily triggered by cutting or blood. I just really needed to vent and this was the only thing coming out of my writers block. Title is from Spring Awakening. Be safe! <3

Alex knew that what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn’t stop. There were multiple alarm bells going off in his mind, telling him that this was dangerous and he needed to stop, but they were being silenced one by one with each sting of the cool metal tearing through his skin. Each line of crimson that appeared along his tan skin of his thigh was addicting, beckoning him to see more. Once he got started, it was hard to stop. Everything about his self-destruction was cathartic, and these new wounds were placed next to scars in all different stages of healing.

He knew that he couldn’t take too long, his boyfriend might wake up and come looking for him. Thomas knew that he used to self-harm pretty badly before they started dating, but he didn’t know that Alex had relapsed. He didn’t know that over the past few days Alex had been ruining the two years he had put into staying clean.

Thomas would be so disappointed in him if he ever found out. Every month that Alex was “clean” would make Thomas happier, and Alex just couldn’t bring himself to shatter the façade of good mental health that he had worked so hard to build. So he tore his skin open in the middle of the night while his boyfriend was sound asleep in the next room over. He would crawl back into bed and pretend like nothing had happened, and Thomas was none the wiser.

On this particular night, Alex just couldn’t seem to stop, he didn’t really want to stop. He kept slicing at his right thigh until there was so much blood pouring out that he couldn’t see his skin anymore. All he saw was red. Red on his thigh. Red on his hands. Red puddled on the floor. The blood loss began to make him lightheaded, so he leaned back against the counter and dropped the blade onto the cool tile of the bathroom. He closed his eyes, and focused on the stinging radiating from his thigh.

He didn’t know how long he was in the bathroom, but he knew that it was too long. When Alex heard a soft knock and the sleepy voice of his boyfriend on the other side of the door, he was too tired to try and cover up what he had done.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” Alex didn’t respond for a few seconds, before replying in a small, broken voice.

“No.” Thomas didn’t say anything else before opening the door, and loudly gasping at the state of his boyfriend. Alex didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to see the disappointment that was sure to be on Thomas’ face. When he heard the thud of Thomas hitting the floor, he opened his eyes to Thomas on his knees, tears streaming down his face.

Alex always fucked everything up. He hated seeing all the pain he caused the person he loved, so he just turned away, choosing to stare at the floor.

“Alexander, what happened? I thought you were doing better.” Alex couldn’t find any words, his throat felt like it was closing in on itself and his mouth felt like sandpaper. He couldn’t muster up any other reply than sobbing. His body shook as he cried, and soon he felt two strong arms wrap around his body and pull him in close. Alex continued to sob in Thomas’ bare chest, aware that he was probably bleeding all over Thomas. The fact that Thomas was sitting in a pool of his blood only made him cry harder.

“Shh, it’s going to be okay. Don’t worry darling, I’m here.” Thomas just held Alex until he cried himself out. When he calmed down enough to stop shaking, he pulled back to see Thomas looking at him with worry etched into every line on his face.

“I’m going to draw you a bath okay? I’ll mop up the blood on the floor as best I can, then I’ll bandage you up and we’ll go back to bed okay?” Alex couldn’t do anything but nod, and Thomas stood up and turned on the bath, letting it fill before picking Alex up, taking off his boxers and oversized sleep shirt, and placing him gingerly into the warm water.  
  
After the initial sting of the water hitting his fresh cuts, the bath was rather soothing. The warm water relaxed some of the tense muscles in his back. The blood coming off of Alex’s leg turned the bathwater a light pink color, and he couldn’t help but think what a pretty color it was. He thought about how pretty it would look in one of Thomas’ paintings, and almost laughed at how fucked up that was. Here he was, thinking about painting with his bloody bathwater.

The next thing he knew Thomas was draining the water, and was helping Alex out of the tub. He sat down on the closed toilet seat, and Thomas put a warm towel around his shoulders. While Thomas cleaned his leg, Alex stared at the blood stained white tiles, and thought about how they were going to have to bleach the floor because Alex was so fucking weak.

Thomas then helped him into a clean pair of boxers, and one of Thomas’ shirts. It smelled like Thomas’ shampoo, and just simply breathing in the scent of his boyfriend made Alex feel better. He picked Alex up and put him back into his side of the bed, and crawled in beside him. Alex instinctively put in his head on Thomas chest, and listened to his steady heart beat and even breathing.

“I texted Washington and told him that we wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow. Told him I was sick and you were taking care of me. We’re going to sleep, and I’ll make you waffles when you wake up. We’ll watch Harry Potter and then we’ll talk, okay?” How did Alex get so lucky?

“I love you so much Tommy.”

“I love you too baby.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and tell me what you think! <3


End file.
